Re-thinking yourself

Joseph LeDoux, a neuroscientist at New York University and perhaps the world's leading expert on emotional memory, has found that whenever we bring to mind a strong emotional memory and think about it differently than we had before, it actually gets chemically recorded in the brain in a whole new way. A process of introspection can actually change the way that memory is imprinted on our brains, providing a neural basis to lasting changes in our behaviors and habits of mind.

And just as our relationships with our parents shape our neural circuitry, so too can our adult relationships help rewire us for connection and security. Siegel points out that our relationships as adults can "reparent" us. For example, if someone who was not given a secure base in childhood marries someone who was, research shows that that shaky person will gradually become more secure.

"Research absolutely demonstrates that if you take the time to make sense of what happened to you, then you can free yourself up to develop your own sense of security inside of you, and also have children who have a secure attachment to you", says Siegel. It's a hopeful message: No matter what happened to us in childhood, we never stop growing.

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