essence

i need you to understand
how much you taught me.
of being.
of lust
of quiet being
of self
of understanding
of longing
of rejection
of self
of joy
of sexual satisfaction
and how much i gave up of myself in order to wait.
for a thing that was never mine to begin with.
and what that taught me of "being"

how much i wanted to delve into this being of you. and learn. and not understanding why i couldn't. and crying and begging and you not understanding this need, this insane need.
like a part of myself that was missing. an essential part of myself that i thought only you could teach me to be whole. and as unfair, as it was and is, of me to ask. i still want to be on my knees to beg you to teach me. the essence of you. "although i doubt you even know what that is. to be honest does anyone?"

and how insane this need of mine is. how I've tried to let go of you and the "my" thoughts of you, go. and how it isn't going to happen for me. how this matter of age that i think is the problem but really it isn't it is just "i'm not for you" in your mind.

i know it's not workable. i knew, i know. i knew. but can you? blame me for wanting the elixir of my being? the desire.

even if you destroy me in the process, i was and am willing to accept that.
talk about giving up self.

And life goes on.